Nancy Keefe Rhodes, a therapist and writer in Syracuse, N.Y., has struggled with weight all her life. So when the uncle she idolized asked her, at age 10, if she went to “Omar the tentmaker” for her clothes, she was devastated. “When I begged him to stop, he said he was just trying to help,” she said.
Parents and other adults who are “only trying to help” may do harm rather than good, as a recent study from the journal Pediatrics makes clear. More than 350 teens who had attended one of two weight-loss camps filled out detailed questionnaires about their experiences of being victimized because of their weight. It found, not surprisingly, that nearly all heavier teenagers are teased or bullied about their weight by peers. What was surprising was the number of teenagers who said they have experienced what amounts to bullying at the hands of trusted adults, including coaches and gym teachers (42 percent) and, most disturbingly, parents (37 percent).
“What we see most often from parents is teasing in the form of verbal comments,” says Rebecca M. Puhl, director of research at Yale University’s Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity and the study’s lead author. Such comments can range from nagging a child about eating too much to criticizing how she looks in a particular outfit to trying to bribe him into sticking with a diet.
Those are the kinds of comments that Kim Kachmann-Geltz, 46, of Hilton Head Island, S.C., heard from her father, a neurosurgeon, around the dinner table, where he would needle both her and her mother “that if we ate our dessert, he would find a new wife and no one would ever want to marry me.” Coming from a father she adored, they triggered decades of bulimia and compulsive exercise that she’s only now getting over, she said. “My father’s rants still must be stirring deep within my subconscious,” she said. “Cognitively, I know the things he said weren’t right or good. But somehow the truth still hasn’t sunk in 100 percent.”
“There still remains the widespread perception that a little stigma can be a good thing, that it might motivate weight loss,” said Dr. Puhl, a clinical psychologist. (Medical doctors, too, fall prey to this misconception.) But research done at the Rudd Center and elsewhere has shown that even well-intentioned commentary from parents and other adults can trigger disordered eating, use of laxatives and other dangerous weight-control practices, and depression.
Parents who struggled with weight themselves when young, for example, may believe their criticism will help their own children sidestep some of the hardships they endured. Kido, a mother in Oakland, Calif., who goes by only her last name, says she was obese as a child, and that her mother used to set up booby traps with food, to catch her sneak-eating. So when her older daughter started gaining weight in middle school, she reacted harshly. “I didn’t want her to know any part of what I’d gone through,” she said. “I’ve been apologizing to her for years about what I did.”
Dr. Puhl urges adults to make extra efforts to support overweight young people, who are already so often bullied at school. She and other experts offer this advice.
¶ Don’t blame your child for his weight. Dinner-table comments like, “Do you really need another piece of bread?” will make your child feel badly about himself, which will undermine his efforts toward health. “Powerful biological forces maintain weight differentially in people,” explains Dan Kirschenbaum, president of Wellspring, an organization that runs weight-loss camps and boarding schools. In other words, some people are genetically predisposed to be heavier, and since the human body is designed to hang on to calories, weight loss for some requires severe and even punitive measures.
¶ Don’t engage in “fat talk,” complaining about weight and appearance, whether it’s your own, your child’s or a celebrity’s. Saying “My thighs are so huge!” teaches your child it’s acceptable to disparage herself and puts way too much emphasis on appearance, says Dr. Puhl.
¶ Don’t promise your child that if only he lost weight, he wouldn’t be bullied or teased. A study published in the journal Obesity by researchers at the University of Hawaii showed that stigma around obesity often persists even after someone loses weight.
¶ Don’t treat your child as if he has — or is — a problem that needs remedying. “This will make him feel flawed and inferior,” says Ellyn Satter, a dietitian and therapist in Madison, Wis., and author of “Your Child’s Weight: Helping Without Harming.” Instead, she suggests, focus on a child’s other good qualities, and encourage traits like common sense, character and problem-solving skills.
¶ Don’t ignore or dismiss bullying. If you suspect or know your teen is being stigmatized, talk to her about it. “Questions as simple as ‘Who did you sit with at lunch?’ can open a dialogue and help determine if she has allies or support at school,” says Dr. Puhl.
¶ Explore your own biases around weight. “If parents can get past their own inner bigot and be accepting and supportive, they can be of great help to children,” says Ms. Satter. “I’ve seen kids with that secure foundation come up with their own effective solutions to the teasing.”
¶ Focus on health, not weight. “Promote a healthy environment for everyone in the home,” says Dr. Puhl, not just the child who is overweight. Serve delicious, well-balanced meals, and encourage everyone in the family to be active in ways they enjoy. Emphasize the value of healthy behaviors rather than looks.
¶ Speak directly and matter-of-factly about your child’s weight if he asks. Don’t try to avoid the issue with euphemisms like stocky or solid, says Ms. Satter. Instead, she advises, tell the truth but reframe the issue, saying something like “Yes, you do have fat on your body. Why, do people tease you about it?” Children are looking for information and guidance. “You can neutralize a message that’s often meant in a derogatory way,” she says.
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